What Does Trauma Actually Look Like

When we hear the word trauma, we might think about something catastrophic happening. An accident, an assault, abuse, a sudden loss or another life-changing event. And these experiences can absolutely be traumatic. But trauma doesn't always look the way we expect it to.

Sometimes people come to counselling knowing that something they've experienced has affected them. Other times, they might talk about things that happened years ago and say, “But that was a long time ago. I should be over it by now.” They might not even describe what happened to them as trauma.

It isn't only what happened that is important. It is also about how we experienced it, the support we had around us at the time and the impact it has had on us since.

People respond differently to difficult experiences

Two people can experience something similar and respond in completely different ways. One person might be able to process what happened with the support of people around them, while another may continue to feel the effects much later. This doesn't mean one person is stronger than the other.

Our previous experiences, relationships, support systems, sense of safety and what else was happening in our lives at the time can all play a part in how an experience affects us. This is why comparing our experiences to somebody else's isn't always helpful.

The question doesn't have to be, “Was what happened to me bad enough to be trauma?” Sometimes a more helpful question is, “How has what happened to me affected me?”

Trauma isn't always a memory

We often think that if something happened in the past, it should stay there. But sometimes our mind and body continue to respond as though they need to protect us. You might know logically that you're safe but still feel anxious or on edge. You might feel easily startled, struggle to relax or find yourself constantly looking out for what could go wrong. For some people, certain sounds, smells, places, conversations or situations can bring up a strong emotional or physical reaction without them immediately understanding why. You might find your heart racing, your stomach turning, your chest tightening or feel an overwhelming urge to leave a situation. Sometimes the body seems to react before we've even had time to work out what's happening.

It can show up in ways you might not expect

The effects of difficult or traumatic experiences aren't always obvious. Sometimes they can look like:

• always needing to feel in control

• finding it difficult to trust people

• overthinking situations or conversations

• feeling responsible for other people's emotions

• avoiding certain people, places or situations

• struggling to say no or set boundaries

• feeling disconnected or numb

• becoming overwhelmed by emotions that seem to come from nowhere

• constantly keeping busy because slowing down feels uncomfortable

• finding it difficult to ask for help

• feeling as though you always need to be prepared for something to go wrong
  

Some people become very independent and feel uncomfortable relying on anyone else. Others may need lots of reassurance or become frightened of people leaving. You might recognise some of these things in yourself without ever having connected them to something you've been through. That doesn't automatically mean they are caused by trauma. There can be lots of reasons we develop particular ways of coping. Counselling can give us the space to become curious about where they might have come from.

What helped us then might be affecting us now

One of the things I find important when thinking about trauma is recognising that many of the behaviours we become frustrated with ourselves for may have made sense at another point in our lives. Being very aware of somebody else's mood might once have helped you predict whether you were safe. Avoiding conflict might have protected you. Keeping your feelings to yourself might have stopped you from being hurt. Doing everything yourself might have developed because there wasn't anybody you could rely on.

These responses aren't signs that you've failed to "move on". They may be ways that you learnt to protect yourself when you needed to. The difficulty is that sometimes those same ways of coping continue even when our circumstances have changed.

Why am I reacting like this now?

It can be confusing when something from years ago seems to affect you much later. You may have carried on with work, raised a family, maintained relationships or appeared completely fine to everybody around you. Then something happens and suddenly feelings you thought you'd dealt with begin to surface. This doesn't necessarily mean you've gone backwards.

Sometimes we survive difficult periods by getting through what is immediately in front of us. There may not have been the time, safety or emotional space to process what happened. A later experience, relationship, loss or change can bring some of those feelings back to the surface. And sometimes there isn't an obvious reason at all.

Do I have to talk about everything that happened?

No.

There can be a misconception that trauma counselling means sitting down and immediately telling a counsellor every detail of the worst things that have happened to you. It doesn't. You are in control of what you choose to share.

For me, counselling isn't about pushing somebody to talk about something before they're ready. Building trust and feeling safe within the counselling relationship matters. Sometimes the work might involve talking about what happened. At other times, we might focus on what you're experiencing now, such as your relationships, emotions, physical responses, boundaries or the ways you've learnt to cope. There isn't a right way to do it, and there isn't a timetable for when you "should" be ready.

You are more than what happened to you

Understanding how our experiences have affected us isn't about allowing the past to define us. It's about making sense of ourselves with more understanding and hopefully a little less judgement.

Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?”, we might start to ask:

“What happened that made me need to respond this way?”

And from there, we can begin to explore whether the things that once helped to protect us are still helping us today. We can't change what has happened. But with greater awareness and understanding, we can begin to change the relationship we have with it.